Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Randomize
