i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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