He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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