I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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