I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
