Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
