I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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