I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
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Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
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