I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
