I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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