Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
