I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
