I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
