Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize