The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
