so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
