i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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