I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
