i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
