Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
