My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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