And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
