sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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