I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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