Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
