Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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