I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
