I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
