Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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