I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
