You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
