I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
