If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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