i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i think im in europe. pls send help
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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