What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
