i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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