I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
