The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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