so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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