Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
