Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
