I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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