Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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