this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
