Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
