life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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