I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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