Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
