I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
