The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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