should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
