If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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