Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
