how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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