He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
