dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
