God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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