Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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