grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
