I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
