In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
