I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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