Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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