He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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