he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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